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nightjasmine
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Name: Night
Country: United States
State: Illinois
Birthday: 12/24/1979
Gender: Female
Interests: Reading satires, reading. being sarcastic, cooking, writing poetry, writing, being me, trying not to kill myself from boredom, trying not die from a 9 to 5 job, dreaming.
Expertise: Being witty and sarcastic. Master in trying to think I make a differnece and matter in my short time span here as a human being. Trying desperately not to have an aneurysm.
Occupation: Medical
Industry: Medical
Message: message me
Member Since:
11/14/2002
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| It must be a chemical imbalance in my brain that makes me feel the way
that I do. It must or I must be a masochist. I have been
unable to sleep for hours now and all I find to do is watch depressing
music videos which for some reason give me a strange comfort. It
is in these hours that I can honestly imagine myself shotting my myself
point blank in the brain for the simple comfort that it will finally be
silent and peaceful in the mess of which is my mind. And I'm such
a crap hole because I can't even think of one thing that could possibly
be evoting these pangs of depression in my soul. God I have
everything anyone could possibly want or be in life. Yet here I
am depressed and unable to sleep. Makes you wonder really what
makes ppl happy and if success is more a burden than an
accomplishment. Oh the lonely hours of the night, when will the
sun finally rise and make me feel whole again.
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| A long time has pass since I've posted something on here. Reading back, I realized that the dark part of me has finally started to disappear. I've found meaning to my life and a rewarding job both mentally and monetarily. I have real friends who I know I can count on if my life depended on it. And it's the weirdest thing to know that I am happy with what I've accomplished and what I've done with my life. It really makes me wonder if it's the company I keep or if I've finally grown up and matured. They say that everyone is miserable when they were younger and now I wonder if a big part of my life was simply a phase everyone else goes thru. | | |
| Sometimes I find it easier to isolate myself from ppl; especially from those I care about. It's like a knife in my heart when I realize that I can't help those I love. Watching them live on in misery makes me want to kill myself. But I'm the last one to tell anyone to jump on the happy train. I can't even make myself happy. I have all these empty and shallow relationships with ppl I feel more guilty about not calling back than do I actually care to talk to them. 'Cus everything's been said and done. It's all one big cycle and it's just so sad and boring. Nothing changes. And it's like the only thing you can do to feel alive is to transfer the mental pain to physical pain. It makes me want to smoke. I want the affirmation that my insides are actually turning black to fit how I really feel inside. But it's not that I'm this horrible person. I just dont care to be alive and I have nothing to live for. I ask ppl all the time what they would do for a living if they didnt have to worry about money. All these ppl have things and careers they love and enjoy to do. All I care about it escaping the present and simply not existing. I think life is tiresome. It's so bothersome to care about things and come up something to do. I dont have the effort or inspiration to become anybody and yet I hate being just another drone in society. God, I just wish I could be a shadow inside of being alive. | | |
| I realize that I'm an enabler. I have this self destructive tendecy to let ppl latch on to me while I endlessly support them thru situations that could have been prevented. To somewhat sastify my destructive addiction, I found a full time job that would allow me to help and support others without bringing ppl home. Yet after giving more than 60 hours a week, I still find myself in the same destructive situation at home. I wonder if there is a disease or a cure out there that could possibly help me not need to help others. I wonder if there's a cure for my compassion and gulability. | | |
| I'm reading this new book called "Angels and Demons" by Dan Brown. I have to say that I'm fascinated by it. I'm 200 pages in and it seems like I'm only at the beginning of the story and yet I'm completely captured by it. And in a insane moment of time I even thought about getting illuminati tatooed on my body. Well, to be honest, I still might ha! But I'm starting to wonder if this secret society really exist. Could all those conspiracy nuts out there actually hold some truth in their rantings? I did a web search for the illuminati and I found some disturbing details of about how they are an actual existing secret society that has a hold on everything from politics to their own banks and so forth. Their symbol is on the american dollar bill! But I have to say that I almost feel like one of them, a scientist tortured by religion. | | |
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